Being Lonely Among People

I have lived in the United States for 8 years. I never visited Poland during that time. Why? Because the U.S. government did not guarantee that once I leave the country, I will be able to return. I left my wife and two children in Poland and in the pursuit of bread and butter I emigrated from the country. I haven't seen my family since then. My daughter had her high school graduation last year. I'm very proud of her. I'm also very proud of my boy, who started college this year.

I keep in touch with my wife over the phone because there is no other way. I think I'm a lucky guy because it seems that she is not cheating on me. I have there a friend who informs me from time to time what is going on there. No, I don't mean to control my wife, but I just need to know what is going on with my so-called family. Even if she had someone there on the side, I guess I wouldn't be devastated by the news. That's how life is. But I think she loves me as much as I love her, so we can trust one another. After all we aren't that young anymore not to be able to control ourselves. Emotions shouldn't control people.

I got used to my lonely life. Sometimes I have an urge to get a girl, but I don't. I see a Polish woman over some holidays, but we are more like a brother and sister than anything else (we have no sexual relationship). She is stuck here sort of like me. Her husband, from whom she ran away, is in Poland. She left him because he drank a lot and abused her. Her daughter stayed behind with her husband and the grandmother. Now, that woman is afraid to go back to Poland; she doesn't know how everyone would react to her return, especially that her husband somehow got her phone number and calls her with threats. I know she misses her daughter a lot, but if I were her, I don't think I would go back. I would rather meet someone good to me and start a new life considering that she is a handsome woman with a charming smile and a sense of humor despite her difficult life. That is why I like to visit her when she asks me over for a cup of coffee or needs a handyman to fix plumbing.

What helps me to remain optimistic? I think, it's hope. I believe in God and this gives me strength to wake up every morning. My faith is something that helps me survive. I know many Polish people here, but they are not the same as Poles back in Poland. People here are often overconfident or so I feel. They are not willing to help another person much. No wonder, here money is everything that counts. Lately, I have been laughing with another guy that you have to pay even for asking a girl out, I mean to get her answer yes or no. Nothing is free and consumption spreads everywhere. I have experienced many dilemmas whether be honest and loose money on it or be dishonest and have qualms. My choices are different, even though I know what the right way is. Sometimes, it's just so difficult because the world is so corrupt.

How long am I planning on staying in the United States without my girl, and her warmth? I hope I will get a visa this year and will be able to visit my family (it feels more like distant relatives now). I don't know what it's going to be like to meet after such a long time, how to change my bachelor's habits, how to communicate with my adult children. I think that worries me the most. I hope to overcome this fear and become even stronger. Honestly, I don't plan on doing something like this ever again. I decided either to bring my family here with me or to stay in Poland. I don't want to be lonely anymore - it should not be like this. I'm fed up with being a prisoner!